Not everybody has the choice to be where they really want to be

Not everybody has the choice to be where they really want to be.

Because if I really have that choice, I would rather be at home with my baby, nursing him, kissing him, never tired of his wonderful smell and taking delight in everything he does. I just called Mak and Huzaifah was still awake, so I was able to hear him making some noises and Mak even let me ‘talk’ to him for a while. I miss him so much so that just hearing his voice was like a great big gift after almost a fortnight of not seeing him. Mak reassured me that he’s okay, and he’ll have his first month shot this coming Thursday. Mak promised she’ll brief me on the updates - of his increased weight, of his increased intake of milk, of his current favourite activities and what nots. Mak said for the time being he like being held so much so that Mak could only leave him on his mattress after he’s already fall asleep. If I really have a choice, I would rather be at home and spend all day long just holding him, nursing him and comfort him with my presence and warmth.

If I really have a choice, I would rather sleep and lie around and enjoy doing nothing for two months (apart from taking care of the baby). Most Malay female in their pantang are not even allowed to walk up and down the stairs too much. Normally somebody will cook and manage the household for them and they only have to lie down and enjoy the baby. Not me though, since I have to attend classes every day – 13 classes weekly for Japanese Language elementary course and a couple of classes for my MA. My hostel is quite far from the university. I have to change 2 trains every morning and walk for 25 minutes from the last stop to the university. Yes, I have to go up and down several stairs daily. And because I’m still wearing the barut and the bengkung, and because I’m supposed to walk in slow and small steps, I have to get ready earlier than most colleagues who attend the same 9.00 o’clock class every morning. Not to mention that I have to allow time to take all the vitamin and supplementary food after every meal. And yes, it goes without saying that I have to do all the cooking, the washing and the housekeeping (roomkeeping is more like it – after all, I just got a single room with own bath & toilet).

If I really have a choice, I would rather see my husband every other week, and look forward to spending some part of the Ramadhan together. It would be great to have him checking on my Quran recitation and to have him pampering me a bit and I know he wouldn’t mind getting whatever I ask for iftar if it could be found at the nearby Pasar Ramadhan. I would rather look forward to spending our first Eidul Fitri as husband and wife together, maybe even wear matching outfits on the big day and dress our baby in the same colour. (I’ve forgotten to pack even a single pair of baju kurung , so no baju raya for me this year). If I really have a choice, I would rather lie down next to him and listening to him whispering our hopes and our doa to our baby. And I would rather cuddle up to him after baby is asleep or talk to him on the phone on daily basis than just being able to hear his voice occasionally from a long distant.

But not everybody has a real choice to be where they really want to be.
And I just have to deal with that.